Interview with a Vampire: the Great Carlisle
by lalliette
Summary: Bella forgot to do her home work and asked carlisle to help her because he is clever... or so she thought


**Interview with a Vampire: the Great Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his Theories **

Bella was spending yet another Sunday evening at the Cullen's when she turned to Edward and asked

"Did we have any homework for the weekend?"

"Yes, we have to hand in the first draft of the interview we had to do for tomorrow."

"Oh shoot!" she swore "I forgot to that"

"No you didn't. I saw you making it up." He remembered.

"Yes I know but the dog ate it."

"But you don't have a dog." He looked confused

"Then it must have been Jasper."

She got up and walked to Edward's desk picked up a pen and paper. She ran out of his room screaming

"Carlisle, Carlisle I need your help."

Within two minutes Bella and Carlisle were sitting at the ancient dinning room table doing Bella's homework at the last minute. Bella asked random questions and Carlisle gave a very jolly good answer to them all. Bella took down every word Carlisle said, with the pen and paper she stole from Edward.

This is the first draft that she handed in to her English teacher, Mrs. Lake (oh no wait, that's my English teacher). To her English teacher.

* * *

Bella: why is the sky blue?

Carlisle: technically it's not blue. It's a reflection off of mirrors. These mirrors are actually magical plants. The mirror plants were taken care of by little fairies they died. Mow the mirrors reflect and change color.

Bella: how does it change color?

Carlisle: the color is controlled by the amount of sewage pumped into the earth. Sewage is never pumped into the sea, that's a lie. It's pumped into the core of the earth. The core is not made up of rock that's a lie too. It's made up of compressed shit (and dead gold fish).

Bella: why do people get old?

Carlisle: they don't get old. Wrinkles, glasses and hearing aids it's all in the brain. When people are around other people for a long time they start to think the other person ages. When people start to think other people ages the other person believes them and then starts to get old. It's all in the mind, I'm telling you Bella. People don't ever get old, only in their minds. Look at me for example; I don't believe that I get old so I don't.

Bella: what is your theory on evolution? Do you believe humans came from monkeys?

Carlisle: no, of course not! (He spoke in a hushed tone) humans came from specific gorilla sub-specie. (He took out his wallet and showed me a photo of Emmett) they're still being studied. Shhhhh…. Don't tell anyone or the FBI will kidnap him (it) and throw him in the dog pound.

Bella: how is a child's gender determined?

Carlisle: Oh that's jolly easy. It all depends on the father. If the father is a butch piece of meat that spends his days fishing or building house, he will have a boy. If the father is a fag, watched Gossip Girl and thinks tea parties and shopping trips is the in thing, he will have a girl. You see once again its all in the mind.

Bella: Charlie is always fishing and I'm a girl. How does that work?

Carlisle: (he is suddenly sad and looking down at his hands and said) I haven't had the heart to tell Edward that he's gay. My son is a homo in the closet. I mean he sparkle, what more do you want.

Bella: the Sun is a star and may people believe it will die. Do you believe this?

Carlisle: the sun is not a star is not a star. It is a giant light bulb that will fuse and then they will just have to send some spacemen (electricians') to go replace it.

Bella: who do you believe built stone hedge?

Carlisle: the English. The queen wanted some publicity so she put an artistic man named Marvin Da Wanko in charge of building it. The French and Indian got suspicious and investigated. Marvin then fled to New Zealand. He now coaches the national rugby team. He got them into the habit of dancing a ballet before every match. He said it makes the faggots look manlier. Ha, if I coached them I would make them do belly dancing. Its way more intimidating shaking your boobs in the opponents face.

After the interview Bella went back to Edward's room.

"Edward I think your dad needs to see a doctor." She told him

"I know." He said giving her a hug.

Authors note: this story is for Daniel and all those other idiots that think they know everything. Let me tell you something, when you know everything you don't know anything and therefore you technically belong in the loony bin. But you wouldn't know what a loony bin is because you don't know anything.


End file.
